New Year, New Mummyboon

I’m back.

After a sizeable absence for Christmas, New Years and getting back into the swing of things at work I have returned to the interwebs to resume blogging duties.

I can’t promise that this year is going to be much better than last year in terms of updates. The plan is to have a definite Tuesday update every week without fail and try and squeeze in some smaller updates on other week days but we’ll see how that goes.

The frustrating thing is that there really is a lot of stuff I’d love to talk about and get written down for you all but my available time for blogging has dwindled significantly whilst at the same time the length, photo content, quality of videos, etc have all grown in size and complexity. So it takes me much, much longer to get a post up and I have less time to do it in. In that situation less blogging is the result.

Anyway to start us off in the New Year I thought I’d begin by talking about how I ended last year and began this year, at a traditional Japanese New Year’s or Oshogatsu.

Oshogatsu is effectively the Japanese Christmas. Whilst in the west we consider Christmas to be a time for families and New Year’s to be a time for hanging out with friends and getting wasted in Japan New Year’s is the time for families to get together.

Actually Christmas Eve in Japan is usually a time for lovers. Young couples go out on expensive dates and give each other presents before retiring to an, ahem, love hotel.

And since my girlfriend (Fran or Mariko-chan to her Japanese relatives) is half Japanese this year I got to spend a traditional Oshogatsu with her relatives.



I stayed with her older cousin’s family (sorry, no names guys I want to protect their privacy) consisting of him, his wife and their three kids. Fran’s mother is the youngest of five siblings and had Fran very late in life so whilst she is only 23 her oldest cousin is in his mid-forties and most of her other cousins are around that age.

As the oldest male in his generation said cousin is basically the defacto head of the family. Japanese people are very concerned with status, even amongst families, and so this meant as the guy in charge obviously Oshogatsu had to be at his place.

They were tremendously generous people, as pretty much every Japanese person I’ve had the good fortune to befriend has been, and during our stay made us feel more than welcome with copious amounts of food and drink.

In fact often I felt that the vast quantities of food were some kind of challenge, a test of my ability to appreciate Japanese hospitality and cooking. I did very little but eat and drink for the entire time I was there. We would get up in the morning, dress and go downstairs to snuggle under the kotatsu (a kind of table with a heating element underneath to warm your legs) and eat breakfast. Breakfast wasn’t anything vast but it was usually nice and in typical Japanese style consisted of five or six different dishes all eaten at once, including rice, fish and soup. After breakfast some tea would come out and we would snuggle under the kotatsu and talk. Then a snack would emerge and more tea. Shortly after that lunch would be served along with the first booze of the day (beer for me, whiskey and soda for everyone else). Next the television goes on and after a while another snack emerges and yet more beer. Yet by the time dinner rolls around, consisting of some vast feat of 10 or 12 dishes, I was still hungry enough to demolish it. Around about 10 o’clock I would finally emerge from my nice warm kotatsu cocoon and have a wonderful relaxing Japanese bath then bed.

Seriously, eat, eat, eat, drink, drink, drink and then bed. It was almost as if they were scared that if I ever got up at any point I might destroy the house or something so they needed to keep me constantly fed and sedated. Except that everyone else does it too; well, except the poor wife who has to cook everything.

Food culture in Japan is enormous. Anything and everything revolves around food. All seasons and special events are associated with special food. Apologies are made with gifts of food. Dating is primarily accomplished by girls offering boys food and boys then taking girls to restaurants. Workers bond over food. Very few people entertain in their own homes, instead most parties are held in Japanese inns with all you can eat and all you can drink offers. And conversation takes a definite second place at parties to food. People travel principally to eat or buy the food there. I thought Americans loved food and I thought Italians loved food but nobody, nobody has so thoroughly fetishised and idolised food like the Japanese.

I think the best example of this was on the last day of our trip. We visited Fran’s Uncle (who is the actual head of the family but part of a slightly smaller side) whose wife is a fantastic cook. From the moment we arrived she kept bringing out dishes constantly, some leftovers but a few brand new dishes. There was so much food in front of us that we didn’t really make a dent in it despite eating constantly from the moment we arrived. And yet when we were due to leave and get our bus she still insisted on going to the supermarket with us to buy sushi to eat as our supper.

And the beer. I was trying not to get drunk but it is damn near impossible not to. In Japan in a social setting it is considered very rude to pour your own drink. People should offer to pour each others and that way everyone stays topped up and the party stays lubricated.

There are some flaws in this system. In a big party that gets quite raucous your own drink can easily get over looked, especially if you are fairly low in the seniority order (like I, the gaijin). The best tip for that situation is to pour someone else a drink and hope they notice that your glass is empty and return the favour.

The other flaw in that system is that if everyone is topping up your drink it becomes impossible to keep track of how much you have drunk, especially if someone fills your drink without you noticing or without asking. Which Fran’s relatives did to me all the time. Almost the first question I was asked in every household was “what do you drink?” Shortly after that a beer glass would be placed in front of me and it would pretty much be full until the end of the night. I was trying not to get too drink I swear but it is impossible not to drink beer when there is a full glass sitting in front of you.

All of which has made me very thirsty. One moment.

*crack* hisssssss.

Ah… where was I?

So yes. Eat, eat, eat, drink, drink, drink. Any other time left was spent playing with the kids, who were awesome and ridiculously cute. I don’t know what it is about Japanese kids that makes them look so adorable but I want one. Particularly Fran’s baby cousin who wrote Fran a letter when we visited her, one which read;
“Dear Mariko big sister.

I love you.

Let’s play lots!”

Couldn’t you just eat her up with a spoon? It’s just a shame that her brother thought I was scary.

So staying with Japanese people is an Epicurean delight but what about Oshogatsu itself? What are the traditions and ceremonies associated with it?

Well on New Year’s Eve itself there aren’t that many traditions. Most of the focus is on New Year’s Day. This makes a lot of sense to me, for the Japanese the celebration is not so much about the end of the old year as it is the beginning of the new one. Consequently there are a lot of special “firsts” that Japanese people do at this time. The first dream, first visit to a shrine and first meal of the year all have special connotations and traditions attached. Mostly these are based on obscure Japanese word play puns where dreaming about an object that sounds like or has a similar kanji to something good can be lucky i.e. dreaming about Mt Fuji is said to be auspicious.

Other than the first shrine visit the most important of these firsts is the first sunrise of the year. Many Japanese people climb (or these days, drive to the top of) a mountain to get a good view of the first sunrise of the New Year. Fortunately for my abysmal fitness we did not do that.

New Year’s Eve does have some traditions of its own though. A relatively recent one but a popular one is for people to watch Kouhaku Uta Gassen or “Red and White Song Battle” a singing competition where celebrities are organised into teams one red (all female) and one white (all male) who take it in turn to sing songs. At the end a combination of studio judges and a home vote decide which team is the winner.

The show is considered a big honour because of its popular appeal so the top singers and artists in Japan are featured. I’m not madly keen on Japanese music to be honest but stripping away much of the extraneous crap and horrible bubblegum J-Pop and just presenting the cream of the crop has shown me that there are quite a few worthwhile Japanese artists. And my favourite Japanese artist (Angela Aki) did my favourite song of hers, tegami, which was awesome.

Plus the little girl from Ponyo (now two years older so much less cute sadly) did the Ponyo theme. Probably my second favourite Japanese song (and the only Japanese song I know the words to).

Oh and every year a foreign guest is invited onto the show. Anybody have any guesses as to which international singing sensation made it onto Japanese screens this year?

Susan Boyle.

Sadly no clips to show you lot as NHK have ruthlessly excised them from Youtube. That’s a real shame as SMAP’s “tribute” to Michael Jackson really had to be seen to be believed.

The guys won this year but if you ask me the women were robbed. I mean, they had Susan Boyle who is famous for winning singing contests.
Oooooooo, bit of a blow there then Subo.

Another New Year’s Eve tradition is to visit a shrine and hear the monks ring the bell at exactly the stroke of midnight. I did this last year and it was a lot of fun. Although Ikuta Shrine in Kobe was packed all the people's body heat just made it nice and warm. We did shriney things like get our fortunes read, buy decorations, etc. I would have happily done it again but in the words of Fran’s cousin;

“We’re not going because it is too cold.”

Well, you can’t argue with the head of the family. Instead we watched various snowy temples around Japan ring in the New Year through the magic of television.

The final thing to do before the stroke of midnight is to eat soba (buckwheat noodles). I don’t know why, probably for good luck. Still I like soba so I was all in favour of this tradition.

New Year’s Day was a lot more interesting for me and a much more fun experience. Although we didn’t do many of the “firsts” on New Year’s Day itself we were getting ready for a big party, all of Fran’s relatives that lived nearby were coming and the real heart of Japanese New Year was about to begin. Osechi Ryori.

Osechi Ryori is a special meal prepared on or just before New Year’s Day but eaten on the 1st. Traditionally it consists of several beautifully presented dishes stacked in gorgeous boxes. Department stores will make Osechi for you and a box for a family of four can easily run into the many hundreds of pounds. These are massively elaborate and ornate dishes with an insane amount of time and effort put into their preparation.

But we didn’t make any. Why? Let’s ask Fran’s cousin.

“Because nobody likes it.”



Which is true actually. I have had left over Osechi before (most of it is eaten cold) and wasn’t very impressed an opinion apparently shared by most young Japanese. So if the food isn’t especially nice then why make it? Well as ever with the Japanese it is all about puns. Many of the foods in Osechi sound like auspicious or lucky things and so Japanese eat them as a way of summoning good luck. For example;

“Kazunoko (数の子), herring roe. Kazu means "number" and ko means "child". It symbolizes a wish to be gifted with numerous children in the New Year.” Stolen from wikipedia.

We did make some Osechi but very little. We made some edamame, (black soybeans which sound like “health”) some kazunoku, some kamaboko, (fish cake in pink and white colours that are considered festive because they are the colours of the Japanese flag) and some kurikinton (I have no idea but it is bright yellow and sweeter than sugar).



And I say we and not Fran’s cousin’s wife because I helped! I was finally allowed to roam free of my cocoon and actually assist in helping prepare the food I consume. Japanese people are actually always really surprised that I can cook (as a rule, Japanese men cannot and eat out pretty much constantly until they marry) to the extent that I have had fawning admiration for a cheese sandwich I prepared. Consequently my beautifully made and presented Inarizushi (sushi rice in a sweet tofu wrapper) was met with much appreciation. I did feel a little bit bad when Fran’s cousin used it as an excuse to complain about how his wife always fills the parcels with too much or too little rice though. Whoops.



Although we made very little Osechi we made an enormous feast which puts most Christmas dinners to shame. Here’s a brief run down of what we ate;

Various Osechi products
Green soy beans
Fried prawns
3 different kids of fish cake
Boiled eggs
Soy simmered carrot and root
Fried chicken
Spring rolls
Sausages
Boiled Hokkaido crab (which was gorgeous)
Konnyaku (devil’s tongue potato jelly)
Pickled octopus
Raw tuna
Sushi
Salad

It was an epic dinner.

As Fran’s relatives started to arrive they started to give the kids Otoshidama (as did we, bloody sponging kids). Otoshidama are elaborately decorated envelopes filled with money and are basically the Japanese version of Christmas presents.

By the end of the day one of the kids who was about 12 had accumulated nearly 500pounds worth of cash! £500! At his age I had never seen so much money in once place. And he just keeps it in a flimsy envelope. It just goes to show that there is hardly any crime at all in Japan.

Throughout the meal we talked of various things. As a guest and a foreigner I got a lot of attention, most of it the usual stuff (can you use chopsticks, do you like Japanese food, why did you come here?), some of it startlingly original (what British films have we all seen? Um, James Bond and ….. nope, that’s it.) and a bit of it quite embarrassing. Particularly when everyone commented that my Japanese is better than Fran’s brother. Whoops, that’s going to be a bit tough for him the next time he visits.
I had expected the conversation to be a bit awkward and me to be intruding into a family situation but it was actually fine. Whenever they wanted to gossip and be a family they just switched into Japanese too fast for me to pick up. At which point I nattered to Fran or gorged myself on pickled octopus (my new favouritest thing in the world evers) Whenever they expressed a genuine interest in my opinions or me they slowed down and simplified and I joined in.

Afterwards exhausted, drunk and full the family fell into a catatonic stupor and watched television.

What we watched was this.



This is a show called Sasuke (apparently it’s called Ninja Warrior in the states) which is basically a televised obstacle course. However some of the obstacles look absolutely insanely tough! Witness, for example, the climbing task about 2:40 where the contestant has to hurl a bar upwards and hook it onto some hooks then using momentum hurl it upwards again in order to climb a wall. These people are superhuman!

The man in the video is the only contestant this year who actually managed to complete all four courses although one guy lost by a mere second. I recommend watching this and just letting your jaw hit the floor.

So good food, good drink, good company and good telly. All in all a great start to the New Year.

Doing Some Follow Up

Some of the things I have talked about recently on Mummyboon have cropped up again in the news in short order so I figured I’d take the opportunity to follow up on them.



The saga of the mega-monkeys (or metabo-monkeys*) continues as the keeper updates us all on how their diet is going. Apparently it has been 2 months since they were put on a healthier diet of grains, vegetables and small fish and less bananas and sweet potatoes. The caloric intake of the monkeys ahs been cut by as much as 60% and signs and barriers have been erected to stop people throwing food to the monkeys. The keeper claims that there has been a noticeable improvement in the health of the monkeys but it certainly isn’t evident from the above photo.

That might be because some people are STILL feeding the monkeys! In fact the keeper is still finding candy wrappers and peanut shells in the monkey area (it isn’t a zoo but a park so the monkeys aren’t in cages). This is despite the high profile media attention the fat monkeys have been receiving and the fact that they clearly have obesity problems. I honestly cannot believe some people. They are either incredibly naive not to realise that the signs and warnings are in place for what is quite a serious health problem or are some kind of sadist that is actually trying to kill the monkeys. Knowing the general character of Japanese people I’m actually going to vote for the former.

*This is another great Japanese news story recently. The government have been trying to increase the Japanese peoples’ awareness of the health risks or obesity by renaming obesity/being fat as being “metabo.” Their hope is that “metabo” doesn’t have the negative connotations of obesity so people will be more confident seeking out medical attention from their doctor. They’ve published a fact sheet telling people when they qualify as being “metabo” and they hope that the “metabo” members of the population will feel less stigmatized and will seek medical attention earlier and with less fear. I have only two real thoughts about this. Firstly, that this is easily one of the stupidest things I have ever heard of any government doing and secondly that I have no idea why the Japanese government feels the need to create such a program when it has one of the healthiest populations on the planet.



Also it seems that the BBC has bought the rights to air "Tunnels"; the Japanese TV show that features the “human tetris” short I mentioned last month.

I reckon that this is probably going to be part of some “Tarrant on TV” style clip show making fun of Japanese TV (as is only right and proper. The international media gets Japan horribly wrong a lot of the time but Japanese TV deserves everything it gets) however I would be thrilled if the BBC are planning to produce their own version of human tetris.

Hrmmm, bit short. Tell you what, let's talk about a uniquely Japanese phenomenon.

Everybody loves a good TV theme tune. Many's the time I've had discussions with my friends about what the best them tunes of all time are and we've spent happy hours humming them away. However, with a few rare exceptions TV theme tunes remain as just that and rarely does a good tune cross over and become a genuine pop hit.

Not so in Japan. Most of the theme tunes for popular anime and dramas are done by established pop acts and the theme tune becomes a chart song, even an album track usually. In fact, some TV shows thrive purely on the strength of a really good song. Anime themes are everywhere in the pop culture of Japan. As song choices in computer games, as karaoke songs, as adverts, as number 1 hits and indeed as the theme tune to anime shows.

So here are a few of my personal favourite anime themes.



Let's start with my all time favourite and the only one I have ever been known to sing at karaoke. "Flying in the Sky" from G-Gundam. My undying love for the sheer unbridled creative stupidity of G-Gundam has been mentioned a couple of times on this blog. Yes, this is the show with the giant robot fish.



However my love for the theme tune is entirely un-ironic. This is the best cartoon theme tune the world has ever known. It's epic, ballsy, soaring and unbelievably 80's. And most importantly it features Japanese people (or drunken gaijin) screaming "Flying in the Sky", "Shining Finger" and "Bright you now" with pure unbridled joy in their hearts.

If this song doesn't make you happy then you and I can't be friends anymore.



Another popular karaoke song with my friends and the opening theme tune to "Full Metal Alchemist." This is by the brilliantly named "Porno Graffiti" which I once thought my students were pronouncing as pornography. This has an insanely catchy tune and some of the most esoteric lyrics I have ever heard.



One of the many opening themes that Naruto has had and my personal favourite. The song is a bit shouty but it fits the character really, really well and I'm a big fan of the guitar work.

In contrast here is the first opening theme for Naruto. I can never decide if I like this song or not. It sounds sort of vaguely Billy Joel-ish but sung really badly.

Then he says "I waana rocks, rocks to the chest" and I burst out laughing.



From Cowboy Bebop. I hate Jazz and even I have to concede that this is amazing.



I am not hugely familiar with Fist of the North Star and this theme is not particularly inspiring (at least not until the Japanese Shirley Bassey kicks in and then it briefly turns into Led Zepplin) but I do know that it is incredibly fun to yell "You Wa Shock!"



This is only an anime on a really thin technicality (it was a French/Japanese co-production) but it squeaks by being bloody awesome. I opted for the longer song in favour of the actual opening theme with the proper lyrics. Why? Because more Ulysses 31 is always a good thing.

I guarantee that at some stage tomorrow you will yell either "uly-ey-ey-eysees" "bright you now" or "you wa shock!"

Wherein I Affectionately Mock My Student's Work

I put together a simply enormous post today at work. Unfortunately because I am an idiot I have left it at work. I shall probably post it tomorrow thought to make up for the missed post on Tuesday.

Until then here's some work my students did recently.

The grammar point my san-nensei have been working on recently is passive sentence construction. The exercise they have been doing is to create their own countries and then tell me what food is eaten in that country, what drinks are drunks, clothes are worn, etc, etc. They can do anything they like but I gave them a hint sheet with some normal and some very odd answers.

Some of the answers were fantastic. For example, most of the boys said that curry was eaten in their country and beer was drunk in their country, a combination that made me feel so much at home. Oddly nearly every single girl opted for orange juice, what they have against tea, beer and wine I don&t know.

But best of all are some of the names for countries they came up with.
Here's a short list.

Ringo-land - No word on whether that's the Beatle or the Japanese word for apple.

Dream-land - Not very funny but I did a count and nearly 18 different kids opted
for Dream-land. I can only assume there is some anime or computer
game with a Dream-land in it.

Never-land - Similarly I lost track of all the Never-lands that I got.

Lucky-land - That's Ireland, surely?

EVA-land - Where dragons are seen apparently, and not angels as one might
expect*

A land - Pragmatical at least.

Star-land - Hollywood right.

Stars-land - Ah, but somebody else went one better.

BIOHAZARD-land - BIOHAZARD is the Japanese game for the computer game we know as
Resident Evil in the U.K. and the States. Although I remember the
first one coming out when I was there age it's still incredibly
popular with my kids. In BIOHAZARD-land Humans are eaten, blood is
drunk, suits are worn, Umbrella events will be held (the villains
in the Resident Evil games are called the Umbrella cooperation),
zombles (bless) are seen and oddly the Olympics were held.

As if BIOHAZARD-land weren't disturbing enough, two different kids
in two separate classes came up with the idea.

Free-land - Where workers control the means of production!

Cat-land - Where people eat dogs.

Special Beautiful Island - Which is extra specially beautiful because we all dress
like pirates.

Beautiful-land - Sure it's beautiful, but it isn't special beautiful is it.

Atari-land - Finally, a country where I can be free to enjoy classic 80's
gaming.

Smile-land - I don't think I'd fit in there.

Future-land - Welcome! To the world of tomorrow!

Disney-land
Disney-sea
Disney-rina - They're taking over the world!

Silent Hill - Apparently kangaroos are seen in Silent Hill. Now I don't remember
any kangaroos but I do know about the evil nurses.




Scary-land - Sure they eat humans there and drink blood but how scary can it be
without evil nurses.

Tea-land - This sounds like my kind of place.

Japon - Bad spelling or deliberate humour, how would you mark it?

Peace-land - Peace-land apparently has dinosaurs and wrestling. I propose it's
name be changed to awesome ruckus world.

Interesting-land - Ironically this sheet was otherwise very boring.

Ultra-land - Well that's what I interpreted it as. The kid actually wrote Uruta-
land, which I initially read as Urethra-land because I have a sick,
sick mind.

and finally.

THE FRONT OF ARMAMENT

STEAK IS EATEN IN THE FRONT OF ARMAMENT

BEER IS DRUNK IN THE FRONT OF ARMAMENT

LEATHER JACKETS AND LEATHER PANTS ARE WORN IN THE FRONT OF ARMAMENT

TANKS ARE SEEN IN THE FRONT OF ARMAMENT

THE WARS WERE HELD IN THE FRONT OF ARMAMENT

THE VERY BIG WARDS WILL BE HELD IN THE FRONT OF ARMAMENT

I have no idea what game or tv show the front of armament is from but there is no way the kid made it up on his own. He actually wrote it like that as well, all in caps with no punctuation. Of course I had to mark him down for that but I really, really didn't want to because THE VERY BIG WARS made me piss myself.



You want some more, okay how about this.



This is Edo Harumi. Edo Harumi is a Japanese comedian. Like all Japanese comedians she doesn't so much tell jokes or make observations as do vaguely humorous routines with a sort of catchphrase gimmick. In her case she sticks out her thumb and says goo like a baby. This actually means "good." Basically her whole routine is based around taking the piss out of English language teachers and the use of the English language in Japan. A lot of her mannerisms are based aroudn Japanese teachers of English, and you can take it fron me she's spot on. Her other big joke is to take an -ing word in English and turn it into -ingoo i.e. hop, step, jumpingoo. This is a reference to how Japanese people speak English. See the Japanese language is entirely phonetic and all it's letters (except n) can only be pronounced with an associated vowel sound. So in Japan there is a separate letter for ga, ge, gu, gi and go. If faced with an English word that ends in a consonant the natural thing to do is to turn it into a phenom they're comfortable with, hence nearly all my students call me Adamu because they struggle to say Adam.

Yeah I know, not exactly side splitting stuff but she is one of the few Japanese comedians that actually does make me laugh and I figured I'd post some Japanese humour I appreciate for a change. That and her song to the tune of "My Sherona" is one of the catchiest things I have ever heard and I no longer want to suffer alone.

Still not enough.

Okay, how about human tetris.



Alright not quite human tetris, but still bloody amazing.

Still not enough?



How about the finest thing I have ever seen in my entire life.

Well that should satiate you until tomorrow. However despite the fact that it has nothing to do with Japan or this blog I still want to post this video because it makes me giggle outrageously.

Odds and Ends: A New Hope

Sorry about last week guys. Tuesday night I actually wrote the entire Sumo post but once I had finished it I was too tired to proofread it or sort out the photos and videos. I would have done that Wednesday or Thursday but my recently arrived Franny has been monopolising blogging time somewhat. Still after that minor hiccup we appear to be back on schedule. The current schedule is still subject to change in the next few weeks (I think Monday/ Thursday is likely to be the new format) but until then bear with me.

So what have I been up to.

School’s Out For….About a Week.

Yup, that’s me finished at Fukuda Chugakko. I now no longer work there.
Well, actually I do. In fact I’m at work as I type this (future Adam: not anymore) and will be coming to Fukuda Friday and Monday, but all my classes are finished, the term has ended and the academic year has come to a close. In fact they had a whole ceremony to say goodbye to me. I had to deliver a speech to the two grades still at school and I could see some of my students were crying as they were sitting in the hall. Now that’s a bit of an ego boost. Afterwards one of the students (weirdly one who never talks to me much) came up and delivered a speech to me from the student body. The gist of it was

“We thought that people from England were cold and quiet but you are friendly and cool. You taught us all about England and said good morning to us every morning. You made us like English, thank you.”

And that is an honestly amazing feeling, particularly the part about changing their views about the English. That is exactly what I am here to do, educate people about other cultures at a grassroots level. There is no more satisfying feeling than to be told, you had a job to do and you did it.

I was very, very emotional I must say.

So with my first school now finished, my girlfriend in Japan and myself well and truly established I guess the first stage of my experience here has been completed. I haven’t really had the time to reflect on what I achieved and didn’t achieve in stage 1 but I think that will be a subject for a post very soon.

But bring on sage 2. April 1st, Iwaoka Chugakko, let’s kick some ass.

Akashi



Spring has sprung in Nihon and the plum blossom is dying off and making way for the cherry blossom and the traditional season for hanami (going to look at cherry blossoms) which will see the entire population of Japan all simultaneously decide to go to a park. The weather is getting warmer and I am resuming my adventures, starting with Kobe’s own castle Akashi.

Of course when I say castle I mean, remains of a castle. Not in the sense of the ruins we have in the U.K., what’s left are still whole buildings, but rather in the sense that nothing is still standing except the walls and the guard houses. This is what happens when you build out of wood, it gets destroyed, frequently.



So Akashi is mostly a big park on the grounds where a castle once stood with some walls and guard houses to form a focal point for the scenery. Hardly spectacular but nonetheless pretty handsome.



I took Fran and we spent the day wandering through parks, eating sushi in Japanese guards, gazing at scenery and at one point having a go on a pedallo shaped like a sea monster.



We had a great time but we were absolutely terrible tourists because by the time we finally got around to looking at the castle remains they were shut! Ooops. Not to worry as I expect I shall be back eventually (probably in the summer for a picnic) and it didn’t look like we were missing anything spectacular anyway.


(the reversed swastika is a buddhist symbol)

The real highlight of the day was these guys.



TURTLES!



Well alright they’re actually terrapins but the Japanese word Kame covers turtles, terrapins and tortoises so I am perfectly happy to call them turtles even if I am wrong.

How cool is that, I spotted one in the middle of a pond and was excited because, well how often do you see wild terrapins? Then Fran spotted that at the edge of the pond there were loads of the little blighters sunning themselves on rocks. About 30 or 40 in total I’d guess.

I’ll give Japan this, it has very interesting wildlife. Sure, some of it (hornets, snakes, bears, wild boars) can kill you, which is not something I am used to but Japan has the vast majority of cool British animals and lots of animals I have never seen in the wild before. Like monkeys!

Honestly I still can’t get over the fact that I live in a country with wild monkeys. MONKEYS!

Japanese Television

So last Sunday Fran made me watch Japanese television.
Now I don’t need to tell you about Japanese television, you all know what it’s like, it’s messed up. Having said that I don’t really watch much Japanese TV because I don’t get any cool channels and I don’t really understand the vast majority of what is on.

Fran on the other hand spent her last trip to Japan pretty much just constantly watching TV whenever she wasn’t visiting something.

I was made to watch a “dorama” (a drama but really more like a soap with a limited run than what we think of as a drama series) about a couple going through some kind of divorce/custody battle dealie in court. Now I am no huge fan of soap operas but take solace readers that the actors in British soap operas can to a limited degree act. In fact some of them can act very well.

The people in this drama didn’t act, they engaged in a constant to see who could be more and more emotional. With about 5 minutes to the end the tears were in such volume that I was surprised the judge didn’t need a snorkel. Combine this with the INCREDIBLY DRAMATIC MUSIC and the dynamic not at all appropriate for TV camera angles and you have something that was simply hysterical to watch.

After we finished that I caught maybe 10 minutes of a comedy that, despite not really understand what was happening, was actually brilliant. In those 10 minutes I saw a man wrestle a bear, then have a dream where sticks flew at him, then accidentally shoot a woman with a blow dart in the arse, then tell another woman’s fortune who was scared of men because when she was a child a boy did the fake hand handshake trick with her and now she is permanently scarred. So she needed to hide behind a bush whilst he told her fortune.

Fantastic.

Japanese comedy is mostly more about slapstick than Western comedy probably due to the nature of their society and language. The Japanese language is absolutely rife with puns but a lot of these are based on how kanji can be read in different ways and they are more clever and witty than particularly funny. Furthermore Japanese people are not sarcastic, they simply aren’t, and they struggle with irony too. So Japanese humour is more about slapstick and anecdotes, i.e. seeing something funny happen to someone or telling a story about something funny that happened.

They’re also a lot more comfortable with surrealism and surrealist humour than the west (Japan! Surreal! Never). This is ironic considering how much the Japanese love their systems and the “right” way to do something.

Add these together and Japanese comedies are surprisingly accessible even if you don’t speak the language. A lot of it is about setting up surreal or humorous images or situations (i.e. a man wrestling a bear) than about telling jokes and this particular show really tickled me. In fact it reminded me of the Mighty Boosh. I’m going to try and catch it again this Sunday and if I do I’ll try and find out what it is called and find some youtube clips.



Funny/ Interesting Pictures I Have Seen Recently

This is a hot food vending machine. You select your meal it dispenses it and then you have to put it in a microwave at the bottom of the vending machine. Not that weird but I do like collecting the different kinds of vending machines. Of this selection the chips and noodles look like they'd be pretty tasty if pressed but I would steer well clear of the takoyaki (octopus dumplings).

"I wrapped a light marshmallow in the mellow chocolate which I wrote down over-optimism in softly"

It had all started so well too!

I don't think I want a violation hamburger. Especially not one that will make cry and insanity rym!

Baffling.

Significantly Less Naked Men This Time Around

So apparently Tuesday was the busiest day this site has ever had with more new visitors than ever before. I credit this to the frequent mentions of naked men and so I shall be sticking the phrase “naked men” in as many posts as I can get away with. Now I just need to sign up to google ads and I can get some cash from all these poor deluded porn seekers.

In actual news, erm, not much. Work has been quiet but consistent and so bar nudist adventures in Okayama I haven’t really been able to go out and find new material for blogging. So I’m resorting to two old standbys, posting lots of videos and talking about my kids.

My Kids are Adorable.

Recently the big project with my Ichinensei has been to do a short speech about a famous person. They get to pick the person. Most of the choices are athletes or Japanese celebrities but every so often my kids surprise me. One kid desperately wanted to do Elton John (his group overruled him), one group is doing Marie Curie, another the Wright Brothers and one group of complete dossers opted to do “Son Goku” i.e. the hero of Dragonball Z.

I think they did this to impress me as they know that I like Dragonball. Plus it means that I can translate all the names for them (any time one of the groups doing a Japanese celebrity has a problem I just shrug and go get the JTE).

BTW for those not in the know here is Son Goku.



My favourite groups are those doing Japanese historical figures because I get to learn something too. However my kids have only just started learning the past tense so they’re really struggling to turn all the statements into past tense statements. My favourite example is the question they all have to answer “where does/did they live?” Pretty much all of the students opted to try and skip answering the did part of that statement (even though they theoretically know it) which posed a bit of a problem for the kids doing dead people. However ingeniously they all came up with the answer “he lives in Heaven.”

All together now, awwwwwwwwwwww.


My Kids are Significantly Less Adorable. In Fact they’re Little Shits.

So one day one of my kids asks me “do you like pornography?”

Now of course I burst out laughing prompting all the assembled boys to ask what is so funny. So of course I tell them what it means in Japanese (for all those curious it’s either Ecchi or Hentai) and they laugh even harder.

This was a mistake, now EVERY DAY I get asked if I like pornography. EVERY! DAY! My kids can’t do a joke just once, or in private, oh no. If something is funny once it’s funny a bazillion times. I’m keeping in good humour at the moment but eventually I will snap and put a child through a door. That is not an actual threat by the way, my kids are obviously adorable cherubs.

(just covering the bases there)

Worse, I now know that the kid didn’t say “do you like pornography?” but “do you like porno-grafitti?” who is a Japanese singer.

Yes it seems the new game is “see if we can get Adam to say a rude word.” Now I am perfectly happy to play along with this to some extent but not when other teachers are around. Also kids, don’t insult my intelligence. My Japanese is awful but even I’m not going to fall for “her name is Baka.”

Speaking of my kids being annoying this project has done something incredibly beneficial. It has allowed me to put a name to the Sonna no kankei nee guy. Kojima Yoshio I now know who you are and my vengeance will be swift and terrible.

Need some context? Okay. Kojima Yoshio is a Japanese “comedian” (and I use the term comedian very, very loosely) whom is my mortal nemesis. He does a routine called Sonna no kankei nee or “but that doesn’t matter.” My kids are OBSESSED with this idiot and quote him constantly, ask me if I like him, do his routines, try and get me to do his routines and generally driving me up the wall with constant references to this unfunny nuisance.



Here is an example of his routine. The bit where he looks like he is playing a guitar or hitting the floor is the Sonna no kankei nee part.

And no that isn’t me laughing.


Finally recently one of my students has been introducing me to some actually good J-Pop! I think it might help that I can’t understand the lyrics but I really, really like some of the artists she’s been introducing me to recently. They may be pop but they’ve got some awesome guitars, really distinctive vocals and a nice driving tempo. Fine art it ain’t but fun music, definitely.

In paticularly Tommy Heavenly (slash tommy february slash brilliant green, she’s a bit like David Bowie) and a lady known only as YUKI. Both are a bit like Avril Lavigne (with the benefit that I can’t understand them) with the difference that they’re both unconsciouss post-modern geniuses in the way that only japanese people can be.



This is Tommy Heavenly with the fantastically Japanese title “Lollipop Candy Bad Girl”. This may be one of the most hysterically bad videos I have ever seen. The opening part of the song is just for the video (and this is the short version) and the real song kicks in when the weird evil santa-gomes appear. The girl in glasses that shows up halfway through is Tommy February. Tommy Heavenly is a dream that Tommy February had of the perfect pop star. Again a bit like David bowie and Ziggy Stardust.



And here is YUKI with a MUCH better video for "The End of Shite." That's pronounced shee-tay but it's okay to giggle. I did.

Pretty, pretty lights.

Sorry for missing Thursday's post last week guys.

I'm going to defend myself on two accounts okay. Firstly I spent last Thursday sending Christmas presents and to most of yuo that read this that manes you directly benefit from my lack of blogging. Secondly I typed up a bonus post yesterday but my internet decided to go screwy and eat my typing.

Anyway as an added bonus to go with the rest of today's post I HAVE A TELLY! This means I now have access to the gloriously insane world of Japanese television. As I type this my TV is on for the first time and I'll be keeping you all updated on whatever madness comes on screen.

Already in the time it took to type that the news showed a "handball" game. A sport I wasn't sure actually existed.

So what have I been up to then. Well on Sunday Night I went to go see the Kobe Luminare, the biggest and most famous festival in Kobe. They started it in 1995 to honour the anniversary of the Great Hanshin Earthquake. It consists of some really elaborate and orante Christmas lights which were donated to Kobe by the Italian government. Really they're just a set of glorified Christmas lights but they're quite famous and as I live in Kobe I thought it would be a shame to miss them.

And I'm really struggling to type at the moment because I'm very distracted by some kind of Yoga-themed game show and....
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
DOCTOR WHO DUBBED INTO JAPANESE!

This is truly surreal. The guy doing David Tennant is utter crap but the voice of K-9sounds exactly like the original, and Rose just sounds....odd.

Anyway back to the Luminare.

So firsly I have to stress that I had to queue.




... and queue




..... and queue. For a long time.



And it wasn't just that I was queuing but that we got herded like human cattle all around the city in a big loop. It was the city wide equivalent of when you go to a theme park and think that you're nearly at the ride. Then you turn the corner and realise you have a whole room of zig-zagging barriers to get through first. It even had those barriers.

One thing the queueing emphasised too was quite how many people in Japan. I'm always aware that Japan has a lot more people living here than in anywhere I've lived before. Hell whenever I need to cross the road in Sannomiya there are always close to a hundred people waiting to cross at the same time.

However that's nothing compared to the crowds whenever there's a festival. Simply put you don't realise how many people live in Japan until they all try and go to the same space.

Anyway I didn't much mind the wait. This being Japan plenty of enterprising people were selling things in the queue and I bought a coffee to warm my hands and settled into a gentle wander. Enjoying the brisk air and the lights and sounds of the city.

Besides there were plenty of sights on the way.


Sorry for the poor quality pic. You can just about pic out the Anchor that's been set up to look as if it was some kind of giant anchor on the mountain.


And this would be one of my favourite shop names in Sannomiya.

And when I finally got to the lights well....



I thought they were worth the wait.















I stand by my statement that they're just glorified Christmas lights but they were worth seeing all the same. They are gorgeous, and I love the way they seem to float in the air without any visible means of support.

What did surprise me was that the Luminare was more than just the lights and actually had a proper festival attached.Now festival in the Japanese sense usually means 10 billion stalls crammed into one place selling an enormous variety of food. The form seems to be to eat constantly whilst looking at whatever visual attraction is the excuse for the festival. So not wanting to break with tradition I set out to get fed.

Amongst the foods on sale (alongside the game and toys stalls) were yakitori (various kinds of fried food on sticks), kebabs of various kinds, inuyaki (flattened fried squid on a stick), barbequed corn, noodles, doriyaki, sweet potatoes, hot dogs on sticks, lots of sake, some beer and some coffee and candy strawberries, a bit like toffee apples but with strawberries, which to me seems a bit of a waste of a strawberry frankly.

Being me I opted for the takoyaki (octopus dumplings) and they were gooooooooooood. I also had some taiyaki. A bit like doriyaki this is anko in pancakey style dough. But unlike doriyaki the dough is shaped like a fish and it's fried first. I also had some tasty little pancake balls which were incredibly addictive.

Suitably fed I had an amble over to the so called "event stage" and watched a female choir do accapella versions of Christmas songs. They were actually pretty good but as it was a Sunday I had to dash off and get some sleep.

Anyway this was mostly an excuse to show case pretty pictures so I hope you enjoyed them.


And on the telly is the fucking DONDAKEE transvestite. Apparently he's won some kind of award. If I haven't mentioned this annoying git on the blog remind me to because he is the bane of my existence.

Oh good he's gone and been replaced by....I think another transvestite. Have I accidentally tuned into some kind of fetish channel?

And on that note, goodbye.